Merry Christmas...?

Theres a back story. Since Jeff and I got married, really since Jeff started living in our house, we have watched the neighbor across the street steadily slide downhill. He had a legitimate back injury and was then addicted to pain medication. The typical American Addiction story played out. He couldn't keep a job, his house started to fall into disarray. His children moved out and moved on. Covid shut down happened and the pills became meth. The house fell into further disarray. His elderly mother supported him by bringing food and taking trash bags away, because trash service wasn't being paid for.... etc etc.

A week ago he succumbed to his addiction, either drugs or alcohol we aren't quite sure and has passed. A 54/55 year old man with three children and I believe 2 grandchildren. Initially, I felt a bit of relief, watching it happen was hard, and it was a hard thing to explain to my kids. I frequently have had the feeling of anger, as to why Elliott was dead and this man was able to live, and piss his life away.

Then, a few days after his passing, His mom was over, I didn't really pay attention much to what she was doing there, but I did notice that she carried some trash out, and just in general attempting to do some minor cleanup. Possibly find an outfit for his burial. (she's in her 70s) And it hit me. She and I are the same now. No mother wants to bury a child. Even if they're a 54 year old drug addicted drain on society.

I'm angry we're in the same boat. I'm angry that she was treated as a meal ticket for drugs for years and Elliott didn't even get a chance to be an adult. I'm angry that it doesn't even matter and we both have sons to bury in 2023. I'm angry that I only have one crib (and a 4 year old) to lean over at nap time and bedtime, instead of 2. I'm angry that as a family we're saving money on diapers. I don't want to be angry, and then I'm angry because I'm angry.

The anger and sorrow and the pit in my stomach i've been carrying around since has been overwhelming. Today also makes 4 months of Elliott being gone, and it still doesn't feel real a lot of the time. It's Christmas time so everyone is very sensitive to us and everyone acknowledges that its probably a hard time of year... etc. And as sweet as that is, it makes me angry that my family (especially Ivy) has to go through this and experience such a hard and sudden loss. It makes me angry that we can't just go back. It makes me angry that the camping trip was my idea, that it actually created a bit of drama to plan but we pushed for it anyway. I'm angry that I spent the afternoon he died with a friend having coffee instead of with my family. I'm angry that all I have left of my son is plaster castings of his hand and foot and a stack of stupid dino t-shirts.

I have 12 shirts, coming from as far as Oregon, New York, Colorado, and Kohl's Corporate office getting involved and sending us one, and offering to make more. I also have 2 that someone screen printed special for us.

And in all of this, there are good things. We've grown a community here in Elkhart, and we've had an outpouring of support from strangers all over the country. But that doesn't change the fact that every night Ivy says "I miss my brother, why did he have to go?" and every night I have to say "I don't know." The good things, though they are good, don't change the hard. And now, theres another mom going through the same thing.

January is right around the corner, and that means some things I've been seriously putting off need to be done, like finalizing a headstone. Things that make it feel SO tangible and real. Things I really don't want to do, but have to. Sometimes the world feels too cruel. The paperwork it takes to die is so hard. But that makes me feel weak, because we all die, which means there are millions of people doing the things I am doing, so I should just do them. Right?

I didn't do Christmas cards this year, couldn't bear the thought of it. A local photographer kindly offered to do some family photos of ours for free and even edit a shadow of Elliott in for us, but it didn't feel right. Ivy has asked a few times in the last week when she can have another brother, (something we have talked about) but the very fact that I would never have a family picture of my whole family together feels SO heavy....

I'll leave you today with what would have been my card.