Three months in, a lifetime to go.

Hey friends. Sorry for pulling a vanishing act on you all. I didn't really intend for that to happen, but the grief rollercoaster kinda dictates my life and how much I can handle so... it's just how it happened.

We somehow are 3 months into this life of a family of 4 {surviving}. And day to day it feels so normal. Jeff gets up and goes to work just like he always has. I care for kids and clean and reclean every surface of the house just like I have for the last 16 months.

But it's different. The hole of Elliott is there in every moment even if we don't always want to acknowledge it. Ivy has had a lot of emotional breakdowns and has lots of questions. In general emotions just seem to run high. We've started doing dance class which she LOVES, but it's something that I don't know that I ever would have taken her to if I had to chase 2 kids around.

Projects like finally redoing the downstairs hallway have been started, but it also meant that the wallpaper Elliott had scribbled on has been removed. The seasons are changing, and with it the chalk paste Elliott left on Jeffs work van is slowly fading away. We've had some playdates and it meant a small child had to sit in Elliott's highchair at the table, Ivy wasn't very keen on that. 3 months in...

Thanksgiving has come and gone. For three weeks before I dreaded it. Couldn't decide how to spend it. We ended up going to my moms family, but left early. My Uncle Herman Hanko had some beautiful words to say during devotions about seats being empty. And other than that we treated it like a normal Thanksgiving Day. The girls played and had a great time, and we drove home.

Last week Saturday I drove, just drove all over for I think almost 3 hours and sobbed almost the entire time. It hits in waves. And on that particular day nothing felt fair. Everything felt backwards and upside down and I felt lost. How is this real life? And why did this happen? Circling in my head and my heart. Consumed with sadness and anger and frustration.

3 months in.

I think I've mentioned this before, but, my Grandparents lost Peter, their 20 month old I believe 54 years ago (or he'd be 54 currently... ?). I've always admired my Grandma Kleyn. She birthed 14 children, including a set of twins. Her work ethic is unmatched and her strength in many areas is something I've almost envied. My grandma turned 80 this past weekend and for the first time in 9.5 years her 13 {surviving} children were together in one place.

54 years in.

I currently have 2 settings. Hibernation (aka depression). Doing nothing, going nowhere, seeing no-one, wearing sweats.... etc. OR doing ALL the things (it's actually amazing what you can accomplish when you don't want to think) and falling into bed exhausted, only not able to sleep because my brain goes back to the somber fact that my sweet boy is gone. There's always this level of sad, even on a good day, I can't seem to shake it. And it's right there at the surface where the slightest thing can trigger it. And I know both Ivy and Jeff are feeling the same way, I think it's why there have been several emotional outbursts.

3 months and 5 days in.

I've found myself wishing there was an "easy" fix. Like I could do something or wake up one day and this feeling in my heart would be gone. Obviously, that isn't the case. So we're just taking it a day, a morning, a hour, sometimes 4 deep breaths at a time.

My soul misses that little boy, down to my very bones, I miss his little voice and his sweet even-ness.

A lifetime to go.